The pain and Solutions of Emotional Abandonment

I write about my experience because maybe it will help you if you have experienced it or are experiencing it now. I try to put my feelings and thoughts into words when I finally connected with this pain and how it was resolved for me—very unexpectedly, but logically. Perhaps this will inspire you to try or support someone who needs it.

Make yourself comfortable, maybe grab some tissues; this reading is a bit longer than usual.

Emotional abandonment is a wound that many people carry. I often hear and notice it. With my knowledge and studies, I have researched and analyzed it, but it all remained within the limits of the mind. I probably won’t share anything new because you might already know these things. But knowledge alone is not enough. I knew a lot for many years, but nothing changed until it actually happened. I fell into it unexpectedly, gave permission, and let the crisis carry me through it—emotionally, with pain, and not at the level of knowledge.

In General About Emotional Crises

I have been dealing with my emotional wounds for many years and have solved them step by step. One story led to another, each time it became easier and easier. It has probably been both preparation on the one hand and natural developmental growth on the other. Everything is a part of me and a whole anyway. So every issue I resolve within myself supports the next issue to be resolved more naturally. People are programmed to fear crises, especially emotional ones, because they are inside. They cannot be touched, foreseen, or removed from within. And it always feels so horribly dreadful and unpleasant. Fortunately, every crisis passed comes with a double reward—much improves, becomes easier and more flowing, more authentic (read: more like my true self).

Specifically My Story

One evening, I discussed with my partner about friends and friendship and how different contact, topics, and communication arise with each person, how to share, and what reactions to expect. How someone reacts to something based on their core wounds and how I, in turn, react from my core wounds. This is a simple explanation of mirroring—something in the other person reflects something about me, and it triggers me. Do I have to tell the other person about it? No, it doesn’t concern them, only me, and all I can do is be grateful for the situation that arose. That’s what happened to me. I shared a very special experience of mine through a Facebook message, and the reaction to it was—silence. On the one hand, there wasn’t much to say, and there didn’t need to be, but fortunately, it triggered me. Sadness came into my chest, my body became heavy, and I suddenly felt so alone.

I let that feeling be exactly as it was, meaning I didn’t try to suppress it, wipe it away, or quiet it with some other activity. I sat and shared it with my partner, who shared his thoughts that every person is different, etc. Inside me, everything screamed: “I already know that, why are you telling me this now!” And then the avalanche came. The feeling that followed my partner’s words was that I had shared an emotional experience, and it was cut off by someone else’s rational explanation.

Unexpected Realization

I felt throughout my entire body that I had opened myself up, sent my emotional rays out, and there was no one on the other end to receive them. The connection broke. You know the feeling when you try to plug a cord into an outlet, but there is no outlet. I felt like there was no one (for those who have seen the movie “I Am Legend” with Will Smith), that same feeling when Will broadcasts on the radio every day at noon, saying he’s waiting here every day, and no one responds, no one comes, and it goes on for years. I had the same feeling. I send out the charge, and no one is there to receive or respond in the same emotional language.

It was such a painful experience to feel what happens in the body when there is no feedback in the same “language.” Collapse and, at the same time, physical tension from the expectation that maybe, maybe. And nothing. It’s hard to describe that feeling. Those who have experienced something similar will know what I am talking about. I will try to explain it in a few words. The entire body goes into alarm—physical tension in every organ, muscle. Like being on guard and tiptoeing. You wait to hear confirmation that you have been heard and listened to, felt and sensed. And every small interval of time, the hope of getting a response collapses. Then you tense up again and collapse again. Tremendous weight and confusion in the body. I wanted to cry out for help and couldn’t; all I could do was react—anger, crying, fear—all mixed together.

After a while, my learned defense reaction automatically appeared—I sit, stare at one point, turn off most of my senses so that I don’t hear, feel, or see, with a stone mask on my face. At the same time, I wait, hoping that maybe someone will take me in their arms, touch me, or put their hands around me—maybe someone will still notice. Meanwhile, inside me, “department” after department, locking down the entire electric charge threatening to shatter everything.

My Solution

I sat for a minute or two (time perception disappears at such moments) and knew I needed a solution NOW. To change the scenario, that is, to do something I had never done before in such a situation. Instead of blaming the other person who was not at fault at all. Nor could they have given me what I needed most at that moment—because I had not told them yet!!!! This was the only moment I used my mind (we need our minds; it’s just important who leads, to heal—you or the mind? This is a separate topic, and I won’t go into it here). And the mind said, “Reach out yourself to ask for what you need. I just realized I want someone to take me in their arms or put their hands around me, SO TAKE THE FIRST STEP YOURSELF!”

This speech ran through me so quickly, and I didn’t give my ego time to intervene, which would have probably talked me out of it (which is common because the ego wants to protect us from the repetition of previous experiences, telling all kinds of stories and finding various excuses and justifications). AND I DID IT! I crawled into my partner’s embrace, held him, and guess what—there was a response—my partner’s hands took me into their arms, I could let go of my hands and just allow myself to sink into the feeling of finally being heard (by the way, did you notice I didn’t use words but a gesture, taking the first step myself).

And everything that was still left inside me flowed out with tears. I cried myself empty. Insights and pictures ran before my eyes, explaining why it is so, where it comes from, and on what basis I had built my defense reaction. Everything was clear, and with each second, it became easier and easier. The tears stopped by themselves when the body felt that it was now okay.

What Happened in the Physical Body at the Same Time?

Suddenly I felt a tingling sensation in my body, followed by something mystical (probably babies feel this every time they get a response from a parent, and it floods their body with endorphins, or happiness hormones, which calm them down, make them feel safe, and trust they are not alone. It also has a pain-relieving effect). I felt how my entire body started to relax from head to toe, each muscle group, organ, and body part one by one. It was so strange because obviously, I had long forgotten and blocked that feeling with defense mechanisms.

This bodily experience created an intoxicating feeling as if I had sunk into a trance. At the same time, I was extremely aware and connected (for those who have been slightly tipsy even once in their life, this feeling most resembled that). Even if the body tried to take the old tension position again, it immediately relaxed again—a muscle memory reflex. The body took over everything; I just allowed it.

All the processes that took place at that moment can’t be described and don’t need to be known. The most important thing here was to trust that the body knows best and to let it do its job. These programs are so ancient that there’s no point in doubting them. And finally, I felt that I could fall asleep in an instant, knowing that I was being cared for. A sense of safety, trust, and peace had settled inside me. I felt like I had come home. In the following days, I noticed my body making new movements. At the same time, I was a bit clumsy because it takes time to get used to the new. I observe the further changes with interest because, for 39 years, it has left its mark, and for complete changes in the physical body, time must be given.

Briefly About the Theory Most Often Associated with the Experience of Emotional Abandonment

A baby becomes aware of itself through the parent’s reflection, meaning the baby sends out a sound, emotion, gesture (it doesn’t use words), and how this is responded to forms the emotional bond, trust, and sense of security. If the parent has experienced emotional abandonment, various traumas, and pain, which have made it necessary for survival to suppress, numb, or ignore emotions, then it is difficult for them to correctly perceive, guess, and respond to the clear and unclear signals of the child. The child becomes confused and begins to trust their feelings less and “believes” more in the parent’s feelings. Or they learn to understand the feelings named by the parents as they grow up, like when you cry, and you’re told, “Don’t exaggerate, it’s not that painful.” The child’s feelings are invalidated, not believed, not perceived, and not heard.

In other words, the emotional rays that the child sends towards the parents are cut off by the mind. The plug doesn’t reach the socket. However, hope remains, and the child keeps trying to create and restore that connection. At the same time, the experiences teach the child that this most likely, usually, or always (depending on the relationship the child has had with the parent) ends in pain. Therefore, the child develops a strategy to protect themselves from this pain as soon as something familiar appears, is felt, or shows up. And, notably, just one similarity to a previously experienced situation is enough to trigger the alarm system.

In Summary…

If the problem is the disconnection from the parent during early childhood, then as an adult, the solution is to learn to recognize when the alarm goes off, identify what you actually need at that moment, and then reach out for it YOURSELF. Regardless of how unpleasant and painful it is, and whether the other person responds or not. The important thing is to MAKE the move or SAY what you need. And, of course, practice it, practice it, and practice it until it becomes as natural as eating with a fork.

This is also one of the main theses of body psychotherapy—to resolve those movements that, for some reason, were left unfinished, undone, or unanswered. Because the body remembers even when you are 100 years old. Therefore, it doesn’t matter how old you are and how long you have used your defenses. The body’s aim is always to complete it because, for the body, there is no time—when the experience is triggered, everything happens again as it did the first time. The body remains trapped in the same event. As adults, we can finish these ourselves because we no longer depend on parents who provide us with shelter, food, and clothes to survive. Now you can do it differently and in a way that is right for you.

Beautiful reaches, meaningful crises, and brave growth into yourself!